The You Testament attempts to answer the question that theologians have debated for centuries: What would the life of a magical douchebag Jesus have been like if the Holy Land was populated entirely by violent schizophrenics with cartoonishly inaccurate proportions? Unfortunately, Final Fantasy games are largely about stabbing and setting fire to hordes of monsters, while Jesus only killed, like, three cactuars and a tonberry (that we know of). That's actually pretty cute and clever, and oh shit, these people are direct descendants of the Deep Ones.
Never mind that using electricity to baptize people in water is pretty much the worst idea short of replacing communion wafers with grenades -- "John" and "Jesus" worship a god alright, but that god is Father Dagon. This version of the gospel is basically a recap of a World of Warcraft raid. It turns out the real message of the Bible is "don't mess with pregnant women.". "And get us all some lemonade. We are constantly having to fight against the culture so that our kids are healthy mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Why? Working behind the scenes, he wants to solve the blight problem. So I guess there's more than one Father of Lies in this Bible tale.
WholeTone Games From being able to drown baby Moses in Bible Adventures to losing your good Christian soldiers to the perils of contemporary music and Arabs in Left Behind: Eternal Forces, Christian video games have long and hilariously struggled to preach through the world of gaming. And if you die, you're dead for good, which is bullshit because you're Jesus.
Yes, this just became Assassin Jesus' Creed. It's built with a modified wrestling engine whose character creation tool allows you to create people ranging from Nephilim who would tower over NBA stars to little people short enough to run under Jesus' legs and catch a glimpse of his holy trinity. Hey, do you have any cookie dough?". Cracked is published by Literally Media Ltd., 5 Baffling Video Games Based on the Bible, The Sad, Stupid Tale Of When McDonald's Tried To Sell Pizza, 5 Times Historical Figures Teamed Up (School Never Taught), First Episode / Last Episode: 15 Career Changes No One Saw Coming.
Jesus of Nazareth further departs from biblical canon by allowing you to convert Herod Antipas, who, for the benefit of those who slept through Sunday school, was partially responsible for the execution of Jesus and John. Upon your return, the quest giver will be overwhelmed by the miraculous delivery time of God's courier and pledge their allegiance. MDickie You're almost done. Being the son of God gave Jesus a +50 HP buff. For centuries, some of the greatest artists the world has ever known have tried to capture Jesus' likeness.
An army of Machines is attacking the land of Glideon! They seem harmless at first, but hang on a second. 5 Real Deleted Bible Scenes In Which Jesus Kicks Some Ass, Guy Who Claims To Be Second Coming of Christ Arrested In Russia, 5 Insane Facts That Will Change How You View Christianity, 'Tangled's Heroes Destroyed Their Own Source of Magical, Natural Universal Healthcare, Spicy Peppers May Help You Live Longer, Preliminary Research Finds, No One Will Ever Stop Messing With The Han And Greedo Scene, 5 Bizarre, Less-Talked-About Problems with the Police, Virtual Furries Flock to VR Four Seasons Total Landscaping, According To 'The Mandalorian' The Galaxy Went To Crap After 'Return Of The Jedi'. It's hard to talk about love and tolerance while also encouraging players to kill everything in sight. Give him a really nice fish?
Remember, gamers, Jesus loves all of you. Home Country: HondurasPersonality: Creative and joyfulPassion: Making people smileTheme Verse: Nehemiah 8:10Keyword: ENJOY.
Regardless of your religious beliefs, it's a little uncomfortable to make the Lamb of God beat the shit out of some centurion who was just minding his own business. They love it, and I love that I can leave them to play and not have to worry! After an interlude where you help the three wise men murder the ghost of Zarathustra on their way to Bethlehem (we need a Christmas carol about that), Baby Jesus and his folks flee to Egypt.
He seeks to find and preserve ancient truth at all costs. But there's more to The You Testament than kicking Jesus in the junk until he threatens to murder you -- you're supposed to follow him around the Holy Land and witness a very loose interpretation of his life. I'm pretty sure this was an indentured servitude simulator before they decided to throw Jesus in. Give the kids you care about a wholesome game with powerful values! WholeTone Games Some errors are minor oversights (Jesus asks you to bring him something to be turned into wine, allowing you to witness the amazing miracle of wine being turned into wine). So who built the robots, where did they go, and where did those robots get their facial hair? Only the fact that they look like they're tripping all the balls has prevented them from turning poor Stu Dent (does it mean the character is a Stud?
How appropriate that this game is about Jesus, because poor Shelbot has a cross to bear. So, how do you convert this sinner to the path of righteousness? Lady, if you're too lazy to feed yourself, you have problems that baptism isn't going to solve. Guys, I don't think this is going to have any animal clitorises at all. Undaunted by the fact that he's the subject of widespread mockery, the developer went on to make a sequel about the life of Muhammad. Join us in Lightglider Academy on a computer this Wednesday at 4pm EST to play some Follow the Leader! They're on a "Great Commission Adventure" to teach newly discovered worlds the Gospel, which seems like an odd task to assign a child, a psychologically damaged robot, and a captain who looks like he'd rather be teaching the wisdom of James T. Kirk. Home Country: IndiaPersonality: Warm and charitablePassion: Empowering othersTheme Verse: Mark 10:43Keyword: SERVE. Unless I walk around it, or step over it, or ... wait, I have to grab the ax and chop it up? So on one hand, The You Testament claims to help gamers grasp the true meaning of all religions and life itself.
Home Country: United StatesPersonality: Strong and wisePassion: Seeking answersTheme Verse: II Timothy 3:16Keyword: THINK. "Pick up the pebbles that are literally at my feet for me." I know which selling point I'd use.
In this interactive adventure, un facts about Bible stories wil be revealed to educate and entertain the family. She can't summon the effort to go to the even closer pomegranate trees either, so you need to pick fruit for her. And then Jesus teaches you kung fu.
In fact, graphics-intensive, Bible-based video games have been known to impress even non-Christian players. But you may not find them in the mainstream gaming outlets that sell X-Box and PS3 games.
Home Country: United KingdomPersonality: Loving and carefreePassion: Purposeful adventuresTheme Verse: Matthew 22:37-39Keyword: CARE. Those are bold claims from someone who goes on to quote Sylvester Stallone and Eminem on loading screens.
Anyway, the first planet they visit is the underwater world of Vet, where players are challenged to explain the concept of baptism to a people who know nothing but water. I'm not very religious) will ask you to bring them an item, like a fish. Sunday Software "Ugh, those herbs are, like, inches away. He shares joy, beauty, music, and jokes wherever he goes.
She uses her leadership gifts to run the Academy. Home Country: AustraliaPersonality: Courageous and friendlyPassion: Missions into the unknownTheme Verse: Matthew 28:19-20Keyword: GO.
You accomplish this by aiding people in their time of need, by which I mean Andrew or John or Billy (were they all disciples? Use this Bible game to teach about self-worth and social media “Likes” addiction. has a game failed so spectacularly to deliver on the mental images the title put in my head. Jesus in Space features Captain Paul Hammer, which is what you get when you combine an apostle with an '80s TV cop; Lieutenant Stu Dent, whose name appears to be some sort of clever reference that I haven't worked out yet; and Shelbot the Overly Brainy Robot, which is a really judgmental name. But there's one thing few developers have tried, and that's letting gamers play as the original action hero, Jesus Christ. It encourages family discussions about the true story of our Creator, who loves us and shows us RESPECT, who sent His Son Jesus to RESCUE us, and who promises to RESTORE this broken world one day. Let's move on/escape to planet Whammo.
He boldly goes into the Yonders on missions to rescue and restore. Copyright © 2005-2020. "And whilst Herod proved a formidable foe, his defeat gave the Messiah truly epic lootz.". © Copyright 2020. The part of the Bible where Jesus alters his molecular structure to levitate comes right before the part where he teaches his disciples to use the power of their chakras to create swords from thin air, slow down time, and control other people's minds -- the part that exists only in the brain of the developer, right next to the proof that JFK was assassinated by Robo-Hitler. Hang out and get prizes just for showing up! And thus begins the classic biblical tale of Mary and Joseph journeying to Bethlehem, and also sending several dozen bandits straight to the fires of hell by sawing their heads off. "And Jesus did preach: Be wary when it is pitch black, for it is likely you will be eaten by grues.". Home Country:  ?Personality:  ?Passion:  ?Theme Verse:  ?Keyword:  ? The You Testament was made by a man whose lack of religious knowledge is matched only by his lack of game design knowledge. ", Lightside Games These planets are supposedly newly discovered, and yet there's not a single flesh and blood being on Whammo. Providing only one-word hints, clue givers try to get their teammate to guess a given word or phrase. Lightside Games Jesus definitely takes after Mary, Virgin of Facial Expressions. Multiplayer competition with up to 4 players For surely even the most hardcore atheist knows well the story of how Jesus spent his life putzing about and recruiting followers with small bribes they could have easily picked up themselves if they weren't a bunch of lazy beatniks. Paul Allen Panks Join now and learn how you were made to shine! From the United Kingdom, TOVA goes on purposeful adventures to help others.  All Rights Reserved. From India, NISHA is the friend everyone wants.
Click for More Bible Games for Adults. While you'd assume his move set would be limited to "loud, distracting crying" and "shitting himself," Jesus calls down angels to buff the party with defensive powers.
Joseph looks baffled by what he's seeing, and I don't blame him. Sunday Software Which for robots would be, what, oil? But he loves those of you with expendable income more. Little help?" Often without a plan, she's not afraid to improvise! Well, I guess I'm doomed to the eternal fires of hell. Much like Horny Bunnies only let me fuck lascivious anime characters instead of showing me a single erect rabbit clitoris, Jesus in Space didn't deliver a single scene of Jesus commanding a copyright-dodging Enterprise knockoff. The game actually has a full-on battle system, albeit one that apparently decides fights at random. The brave, misguided, and/or flat-out crazy creators of the following games made Jesus our eternal co-op partner, and the results are confusing enough to baffle even the wisest theologians.
From Tanzania, TAMBIKA sends new Lightgliders on their first mission. We allow our kids to play Lightgliders because it is positive. Journey of Jesus: The Calling is the Facebook game for people who think FarmVille's a bunch of secular hippie nonsense.
You play as one of the lesser-known disciples, Gladstone. But don't kick too many midgets or a weird bald guy will come troll your crucifixion. And if you're going to take that approach, you might as well go all the way and make Grand Theft Camel. This isn't the tutorial easing you into the game.
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